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Holleywood
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Name: Taryn
Location: United States
Birthday: 8/16/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: looking so good
Expertise: Eating, Hula Hooping, sleeping. I also like to pretend that I am an olympic figure skater. I like to fry smeggs. (Some eggs.) I am an excellent Filipina, even though I am white on the outside.
Occupation: Retired
Industry: Government
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
5/22/2003
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| Couldn't you feel it?
That was the goodbye kiss.
couldn't you taste the farewell on your lips?
I'm in love. So so deeply in love to the point of delirium. Everything has been infected with happiness and laughter. I spend every waking hour day dreaming, planning for the future with my stomach and head filled with a hundred fluttering butterflies. I'm glowing with happiness and can't get enough of life now that I'm in love. Touching the most soft, delicate of things becomes electric. I've fallen out of love with all things and people of this earth, and fallen in love with life. I've fallen in love with me.
I came out of the wash room to find little Nancy Ann in the hallway. She turned around and gave me the most puzzling of looks. She seemed almost in pain. "Do I remind you of her?" She asked. I wasn't sure if she was serious until I saw little tear roll down her cheek. "I know who she is. They told me." She told me.
"You are NOTHING like her," I said, lifting her up in my arms. "You WILL be nothing like her. You are strong," I assured her. "What if I'm not though? What if I end up like her? What I'm not as strong as you think?" She implored. I sat her down and told her, "you will live up to your name. You don't go walking quietly with two powerful names like that. You're going to do damage. You will be EVERYTHING I think you will be and more." She knows it's true when she sees the picture of Ann I gave her on her phone.
I wonder if it's a haunting I'll have to live with for long. I don't know if I'll be haunted by her permanently or not. She is never in my dreams but she's around most corners when I walk, in the laughs of strangers and in the eyes of nearly everyone. It's an inexplicable trap I've fallen into. A trap of her and her debauchery. She is worthy of being a horror film villain. She is intoxicating, evil, selfish. I am the anti-her and yet she is in me and I am in her. She is stuck and so am I. I loathe her and I don't. I love her more than not. She is my reminder of what ugliness truly is. It keeps me striving to be beautiful.
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| There are now ten of us. Ten of us who have been tortured to the brink of death and brought back only to be tested with more. No human should ever have to endure what we have. Nine of us are now perfected to be faster, more cunning, bulletproof assets. The tenth however, is still going through it, and so we are going through it together. It pains me to see her being groomed for what we now are, and although she is half my age, she has double the strength and grace I had for this job even a year ago. I've grown to love her like she's my own child.
When they first brought her to me, I didn't know what I was supposed to do with her. I don't like children and I don't know what to do with them. At first I'd just ignore her. After all, her odd little quirks grew on me and her oddly mature craving for knowledge and to be a part of the program intrigued me. She has a strong, wise soul for such a young girl. We became quickly inseparable and thus the odd couple was born. Me, a former child-hater growing fond of a child. She came into the program with a dreadful, plain name so when she was given the opportunity to change it, she jumped at the chance. We found a suitable one for her and now she's on the path to her new life.
I watch the presidential nominees duke it out with each other and while I have Nancy Ann on my hip I wonder what is in store for her and her generation. I brush her hair out of her big doe eyes and ask her what she wants in a president. She said, "someone who loves everyone the same. He should be nice. But know when to kick ass."
Kids say the darndest things! "Just like you, huh? Maybe you'll be president someday, Nan-Ann!" I told her.
"I'm too busy to be President." She's right.
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| What if you could see everything that everyone was hiding from you? What if you could see through lies? What if you could just look into a crystal ball and could see what people were really up to? Well that's sort of what I've got. I've got that itell. that puts liars and their fibs to shame.
"There was no dinner. There never was a dinner," the words came out quickly and deliberately. "The stories kept changing because she knew you were on to her, and she was afraid. A lot was kept from you," He cautioned me. "Now you've got to get out of here before someone sees you, and sees me with you!" he pushed me into the meat locker. So I thought I'd make the best of my time there and began to sift through the filets with my eyes. I whipped out my phone and called my right hand chef. "Do you think we should do Filet Mignon tonight?' I asked her. "Oh, sure. even though we had steak last night too but I'm down. I'll get things started." "Perfect!" I exclaimed right as someone walked in on me....making a phone call from the inside of a meat locker. Awkward......
And then tonight I attempted to make cornbread. Yes you read it here first. I was trying to follow a recipe from some other country obviously, because the oven had to be heated to 180 degrees Celsius and the pan had to be 22 by 60 cm. If there's something I loath more than baking, it's math. Thanks for making me convert centimeters to inches and Celsius to Fahrenheit while trying not to burn the house down. I haven't baked in ages and it's not because I'm not good at at; rather it's that I'd rather gauge my eyes out with a fork than bake. It's a horrible waste of time and Id rather just buy a ready-made box of cornbread from the store and use the time I saved to watch Friends re-runs will eating it.
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| I was trying to hide from my friend in a grocery store when I heard her voice call out, "I see you!!!" "How can you see me?" I called over the aisle from the other side. "Duh, I can see your blonde head bobbing around as you walk over the aisle. You're 5'8 now, remember?" I realized I was rocking my tall shoes and reflected on how it must be very inconvenient to be that tall. How can you possibly play hide and seek properly? How can you fit into small compartments?
"Oh, Taryn I could down a few bottles of those. I don't mind if the world ends while I'm double fisting bottles of Jameson." -M
She stands with a beauty and grace that is elegant yet strong. She is feminine and masculine at once and is everything anyone would ever lust after, respect, fear and admire. She is my other half. She is a part of me.
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| So I'm sitting here tapping my new Brian Atwoods while admiring the gorgeous moon. I'm loving my life and enjoying every moment of it tonight while I stop to stare at how beautifully magnetic it is. But it wasn't many full moons ago when I was in a very, very terrible place.
Now today I tried to recount everything that happened to me back this last September-January. I was in a very bad way. For those who I keep close to me, you know just how bad things were. Trying to balance my health with my job which later crossed into my personal life was at times, impossible. 6 stints in the Emergency Room, two failed jobs at work and the collapse of many relationships with people among other things made for what I now can call the darkest time in my life.
Now, when you are going through something so dark you cannot see the light at the end, and you are so tired that you couldn't even walk toward it even if you saw it, that is when you find out who is really there for you. When you can barely do anything for yourself, when you are at a point so bad that you simply cannot move. Paralyzed with poison, of medicine and of men. That is when you find out who means what they say and who has a love for you that is unconditional. Certain people were steadfast and unwavering in their dedication and support during this time. I promised myself back in September that if I survived, I would remember everyone who helped me. I promised that I would come back for them and tell them all of the things I couldn't say. I would tell them how much it meant to me that they were there for me when there was no one. When I had no answers. When I was confused, when I was lost. When I was making bad decisions. When I was frustrated. I promised I'd come back for them and they would know what they did did NOT go unnoticed.
And then there are those who failed me.
I vowed that I would come back for you, as well. Only not quite in the way you might expect. And certainly not in the way you would like. Those who should have been there for me, but weren't. What was your plan? Ignore what was happening because if you ignore it, it'll go away? To be there for me again when I was okay? Or to buy me things and throw gifts at me so that you didn't have to be there for me emotionally? Didn't you see how everything was falling APART under the surface of my smile? Didn't you see that when I said "I am going through this and I want to go through it by myself," I was screaming to be able to go through it with someone? A human being cannot possibly go through that much by themselves. At what point were you going to step in? At what point were you going to realize something was very wrong? I guess it was at NO point because I'm alive and well today and it's no thanks to you. That too, did NOT go unnoticed.
So to those who were there for me: I didn't forget you and I'm coming back for you. I'll see you soon.
To those who weren't: I didn't forget you and I'm coming back for you. Expect me.
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